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Home Page > Relationships > Marriage > What Can Be Done About Our Inability to Feel Comfortable When We’re Alone

What Can Be Done About Our Inability to Feel Comfortable When We’re Alone

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Posted: Dec 02, 2006 |Comments: 0
| Views: 163 |

Many of us have planned our lives very carefully to avoid being alone. We may not see our motivation that clearly but we can sure look back and see a long string of relationships of one kind and another. That ought to tell us something. We like company…someone to use as a mirror. It’s possible to see our selves reflected in the approval of others and then dummy up an identity.

Starting out in this life is always a joint experience or we don’t survive. We soon realize that pleasing others is a smart move. Teachers come along behind parents and siblings, and the next thing we know we’re pleasing our scout leaders and church choir directors. They smile…we do it again. They frown and we hear warming bells. We socialize, grow up, marry and are soon seeing ourselves through the eyes of our own children where we continue to look for identity through approval.

Somewhere along the line, hopefully, a healthy person begins to look toward developing an individualistic side. Often it isn’t easy if we meet up with opposition. Others often want to be super-important to us and don’t want us to change our agreeable habits. The trick is to not back down into people pleasing when this happens. Most of us won’t want to pass on becoming a “stand-alone” person once we get started.

One of the ways to pave the way into the often-foreign territory of “selfness” is learning to like our own company. Sometimes we can learn to partner without excessive leaning by going on an occasional retreat with the up-front agenda of trying to see who we are when we are a alone. Do we feel whole and complete?

Most jobs and family situations don’t support the retreat idea. It’s more like “You are going to go where…to do what? Are you planning a retreat from life?” Yet it’s an idea worth considering. Where would we go and what would we do if we were left to our own devices and desires? If we’re not interested in finding out…beware. Fear may be lurking.

Years ago when a death broke up a lifetime relationship, the person left behind was often unable to drive or balance a checkbook. It’s more the exception than the rule now. However, we do have those who are left behind who feel like half of something that is no more…individuals who aren’t individuals, really. To get caught in that situation and to have to begin building an independent entity at that time could be a tall order. The time to work on it is more likely to be supportive if we don’t have to do it in crisis.

If we are uncomfortable alone…don’t like to spend a night away from home…need to ask for the opinions of others before making a simple choice and/or turn to someone for support constantly, it is possible to reverse that trend. We can prepare ourselves for the possible eventuality of being the surviving partner of a long-term relationship by breaking old habits. Take the small ones first. We all have a different list of where we defer and when we lean. Both are charming behaviors at certain times and comforting at others, yet if we see a pattern…it is possible to step up to the plate and break free. We need to scrutinize our feelings and interactions honestly to get started.

As we gain experience, a new identity will come forward…a “stand alone” person that is better prepared for the fickleness of life. In the process we could also become more interesting, not only to others but to ourselves as well.

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Luise Volta -
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Luise Volta’s life has included careers in nursing, teaching pre-school, interior design, Real Estate sales, insurance adjusting, and dairy herd testing. Visit for Relationship Advice.

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Source:  http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/what-can-be-done-about-our-inability-to-feel-comfortable-when-were-alone-77221.html

Article Tags:
relationships, long term relationship, identify, people pleasing, death, being alone

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The Perryman Group as a part of this study indicate that there are currently approximately 8.1 million undocumented workers in the US economy. If these workers were removed from the workforce, the effects would ripple through many industries and the ultimate job losses would be even higher.

For the US as a whole, the immediate negative effect of
eliminating the undocumented workforce would include an
estimated:

$1.757 trillion in annual lost spending,

$651.511 billion in annual lost output, and

8.1 million lost jobs.

Several states lose a notable percentage of business activity if
the undocumented workforce is removed. These states
naturally include several along the US-Mexico border, but also
others scattered around the country.

Per-capita losses in a number of states include thousands of dollars in annual economic activity.

Certain industries are especially dependent on the
undocumented workforce and would be particularly hard hit if
it were removed. In fact, for the agriculture and construction
sectors, the initial effects would be extremely disruptive.

http://www.americansforimmigrationreform.com/files/Impact_of_the_Undocumented_Workforce.pdf

Sorry! but the less crime thing is hard to believe!

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1717575,00.html

Immigration: No Correlation With Crime
Docar, can you please provide sources to backup your claim, or is it that you are getting good at making things up?
Among Dr. Perryman’s numerous awards are (1) the Nation’s Outstanding Young Economist and Social Scientist, (2) the Outstanding Young Person in the World in the Field of Economics and Business, (3) one of the Ten Outstanding Young Persons in the World, and (4) the Outstanding Texas Leader of 1990.

http://www.upi.com/Business_News/Security-Industry/2002/06/18/Analysis-Hamas-history-tied-to-Israel/UPI-82721024445587/

http://www.israeltoday.co.il/default.aspx?tabid=178&nid=16447

@curious, it’s not about aid. It was about i) Israeli taxes being partially used to fund a terrorist group and ii) Israeli money exchangers making money off of foreign funds solicited by Hamas